Twice in recent years, I've suffered through friendship breakups. Both times it was a longtime friend telling me it was over, with more drama than I've normally experienced in romantic splits. They were for different reasons, but rest assured that the kitchen sink was involved both times. ("Remember that time you made me go to that awful movie about family dysfunction with you? It really upset me because my own family was so dysfunctional!" Whaaaa?)
However wrongly accused I felt, the residual trauma was real. For single women - actually, most women -- breaking up a friendship can be devastating in ways that romantic breakups are not. They can shake you to the core and make you question yourself. I have always felt that I am a good friend: I celebrate the good news, commiserate over the bad, remember birthdays, check in even when I'm busy. In return, I depend on my female friends to provide the nurturing I don't get from a romantic partner. It's a tall order, but generally it works out to everyone's satisfaction.
Except when it doesn't. When one friend broke up with me, it rocked me. But when it happened a second time, I began to wonder about the quality of friend I am. I picked up an excellent book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, by Dr. Irene Levine, and found both solace and enlightenment. It was not entirely my fault, I learned; some friendships just have a course to run, and when they're done, it's best to accept it and move on. I think I was hanging on to those two, which had not been healthy for some time, out of habit.
The book has words of wisdom for all women who have struggled with a friendship. It addresses the question of whether to mend it or end it; how to spot a toxic friendship; and how to repair one that can be saved. I contacted the author for a chat.
SA: Is there an age at which friendships tend to drift apart more than others? I'm thinking the 40s might be especially difficult, because some of us are settling down, into motherhood and isolation, or a higher-octane career.
Irene Levine: Actually, any time people make major changes in their lives, to some extent, they place their friendships at risk. This includes graduating, moving, marrying, motherhood, divorcing, changing jobs, retiring, etc.
For one thing, many friendships are situational. We're friends with someone else because it is convenient. When you are in the same place at the same time, doing many of the same things (e.g., in a workplace setting or school), you connect in many ways. When these ties disappear and one person's situation changes, it can weaken a friendship or make it inconvenient.
Also, when people are in the midst of new life events, they may spend less time nurturing their friendships.
SA: What are the main reasons friendships end?
IL: The most dramatic ways are arguments, disagreements or misunderstandings. But the great majority of friendships, even very good ones, simply tend to drift apart over time. Each friend doesn't have enough invested in the friendship to keep it going and to make it a priority. When a friend says, "Let's get together sometime" rather than setting a firm appointment, you have to begin to worry.
SA: Why are friendships more important to women than men?
IL: Women tend to invest more of themselves emotionally in their friendships than men do. Female friends can be tied at the hip, speaking to one another many times during the course of a day, sharing intimacies they might not even share with a husband or lover. Men tend to do things together -- watch sports, play golf -- and when they do talk, it's less about feelings than it is about home repair or the fluctuations of the market.
SA: Does that explain why friendship breakups can be harder sometimes for women than romantic breakups?
IL: There are a lot of reasons for that. Compared to romantic relationships or marriages, there are no set rules about when friendships begin or when they end; they are somewhat ambiguous. When a friendship ends, everyone feels uncomfortable. Sometimes people cut off relationships without communication, leaving the other person feeling dumped without an explanation. With a divorce, for example, there's a clear legal decree.
Also, when you break up with a girlfriend, there's no place to turn for support. Men often dismiss the hurt and attribute it to "cat-fighting." You can't talk to other friends, who might question your loyalty as a friend if you are badmouthing another friend. People rush in with support when you're jilted by a lover or left by your husband for another woman; with a broken friendship, people keep to themselves.
Finally, friends tend to share secrets. If a friendship breaks up after you've shared everything about yourself and people you know with another person, there is a real risk of an ex-friend betraying your confidentiality. Also, if you have common friends, or your family is friends with your ex-girlfriend, there is often unintended fallout, affecting those relationships, as well.
SA: Why is it particularly hard on women of a certain age to lose a good friend?
IL: It's very hard to give up a shared history you have with a friend. Perhaps you had a lot of firsts together (first loves, first day at college, etc.), or she knew your family or the place where you were raised. She may remember things about you that you no longer remember. Such friendships go very deep and shouldn't be dismissed without great consideration.
Also, when you are older, it may feel like everyone else is already paired up and has their friends. It's intimidating to reach out for new friendships in midlife and beyond.
SA: What are five signs that a friendship is beyond repair?
IL:
- You have little motivation to get together. It becomes increasingly difficult to schedule time together because everyone is "busy."
- When you are together, there are frequent misunderstandings or disagreements.
- One person may consistently do the talking and the other the listening; or one person is consistently needy while the other is a giver.
- One friend has done something so egregious that it can't be forgiven (sabotaging someone at work, hitting on her husband, stealing, etc.).
- You feel so uncomfortable with the other person that it comes out in somatic ways -- headaches, muscle tension, nervousness, feeling very fatigued -- generally feeling uncomfortable being together.
SA: And if you decide a friendship can be saved, what are the steps toward mending it?
IL: If you have done something wrong, apologize -- and do it sooner rather than later. Don't let little hurts magnify into big ones. If another person has done something wrong, find it in your heart to forgive. If the friendship is meaningful to you, you may need to overlook certain inadequacies in the other person. And be the first one to extend the olive branch and start the conversation.
Read more:
The Friendship Blog: Conversations about friendships moderated by Dr. Levine
The Friendship Page: An Australian website that's been around since the mid-90s
The Friendship Quiz: Determine if your friendship is solid or spoiled
Do You Need Friendship Advice? Entertaining column by psychotherapist Lacey Worrell
Related story: Addition by Subtraction: Don't Let Bad Friends Drag You Down
Comments: